I’ve been struggling with writing recently.
I know that I should be writing to my sweet peeps i.e. my perfect clients instead of randomly writing to no-one; that I needed to find the real purpose WHY am I writing?
Then my boyfriend, said “why don’t you just start and stop thinking so much.”
That’s me in a nutshell! I think way too much. I research way too much. I read too much into things before I do things. And it’s what I do unknowingly daily, and is thus naturally honed to perfection. I see it when I need to decide what to eat for dinner; or whether I should quit my job, or whether I should teach more classes … but especially so much so when I am on my mat.
Thus this brings me to a little piece of yogic wisdom, which I'd like to share with you, which begins aptly on the very first page of Patajali’s Yoga Sutras which is
Atha = Now; Yoga = Yoga; Anusasanam = exposition or instruction
Or in English, it translate to:
"Now the practice of Yoga Begins”
I was a newbie once - the girl who sat at the back of the class, looking around to see if I’m doing the right thing; "should I take the block or not; I can't see the teacher. Oh no - the teacher is coming. Am I doing it wrong?” I struggled big time!
So when I decided to try Iyengar for the very first time, I thought I got it in the bag; 4+ years of being a yoga teacher and student - I diligently took my blocks and plonked myself right on the first row. And started to psyched myself into a "beginners" mindset. "I know nothing. I will be open to possibilities and have fun!” (like I say I talk to myself a lot)
However it's really hard NOT to get stuck with what I know yoga is to me.
Not even halfway through, Lala ( Yep, I name the chatter in my mind) kept going and going on and on..... But he’s telling me to grip my knees but what works for my body is to lift my knee caps up to straighten my legs and soften the back of the knees. And he says to lock my elbows so that they remain in line and the muscles can remain connected to the bone??!! But I’ve got hyperextended elbows!!
Lala was making so noise, that I got angry. Angry at what? I don’t know - maybe at my own body to be inflexible and not being to straighten the elbows or knees fully? At the teacher for not making me feel safe? Or maybe i just felt personally attacked (that what I was doing was wrong) and I couldn’t do anything about it?
Then in all the seriousness of the voices in my head, I found the joke. BKS Iyengar himself said
“The pose begins when you want to leave it.”
Yes - I wanted to leave the “instructions of the pose” so according to the wise old gurus of Yoga, I am essentially just starting my yoga practice, which is funny because I thought I knew how to yoga. I know and yet I don’t know.
It’s been a long time since I’ve locked my knees or elbows - I resisted but then I decided to just give up what I know, listened and dutifully locked my joints. And you know what, I was surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I remembered. It did get uncomfortably “hot” as time passed by; and I just got out of the pose, as simple as that. I had that choice.
So there were many a times when I want to give up writing. It's too hard; too much work and who’d want to read what I write. But I think about why I am writing - that I want to share as much as me to everyone, and thus that includes you having to read my LALALAs . I don't need every blog post to be perfect, to have the trimmings and freebies and a gallery of beautiful pictures.
I just have to begin…