Photo by Rebecca Peterson-Hall on Unsplash
15 October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Remembrance Day.
I cannot put into words what it felt like, on our first FET, after waiting 2 weeks to do the blood test, and waiting for the call - and the nurse telling us that I was pregnant BUT........ I had to come in 2 days later to do another blood test. And then receiving the bad news that my HCG level was dropping and therefore I wasn't really pregnant.
Or getting the news that I had a positive BFP on the 4th FET - there was the impulsive purchase of baby books, and finding out 1 week later, that my gestational sac was empty.
That was in 2019. I should be over it but I acknowledge that I will never be over it; I will always be healing. And that's okay, not to have fully healed because it means I will never forget, and I don't want to forget.
Grieving is important and remembering. I remember exactly where I was when I broke down - I was stuck at home because of COVID restrictions, doing yin yoga and whilst in a half pigeon pose, my teacher, Paige Elenson, asked us to think of an event or a person that we have not grieved for, or started but stopped.
Up to that point, I didn’t realised that I have not grieved yet.
And now I grieve every time I hear others getting pregnant on their 1st IVF cycle, or getting pregnant naturally, every time someone tells me that if I had done "ABC", I would have gotten pregnant AND every year at this time.
I’m grateful for the existence of today; because it gives me the opportunity to grieve and to remember.
People around the world will be lighting a candle at 7pm local time for one hour to honour all angel babies gone too soon. I will also light a candle tonight to join the wave of light, and my light is dedicated to my 9 embabies who barely lived a life here on this earth, but you were in my womb for that briefest of moments and so you lived, and you were mine. I felt you, I love you and you will always be in my heart.
And to all those who have experienced loss, I just want to tell that you are so very brave. Every morning when you wake up and you take that first breath in, and then another - aren’t we so blessed to be alive, to be able to feel grief, relief, sadness, happiness; to have loved, to love and to be loved.
🤍🖤🧡💛💜
Remember that the light may get blown off and that there is still inner light that shines from within.
xo
Ps and if you want to be inspired , head to instagram and search #waveoflight #toobeautifulforearth
because #inordertohealyoumustfeel And #youarenotalone
Resources: Baby Loss Awareness Org
