Photo by Jace & Afsoon on Unsplash
The other day, I was flipping through Melodie Beattie's book, "Journey into the Heart" for inspiration for my meditation, and I stopped at an entry dated 23 March. The title was "Comfort yourself”.
Melodie says "Comfort is a place we can visit often, as often as we need to. Even though we can find comfort in certain places and objects, but it is really a place within us. Some of us may have thought that comfort was a waste of time but now we know that there is a tremendous power in comfort, the power to heal."
I am in inquiry
After reading that, I had more questions than answers. It's one of those days, where a thought stumped me - and in this case it's the word "comfort."
I wondered if in my own way, if I comfort myself?
And the questions that came up was how is it that comforting ourselves became an afterthought? Why has it become something that we stopped doing, or we don't think of doing?
Is it because we are not aware; unaware of this idea of comforting ourselves because we’ve outgrew it, our parents have done the comforting in our growing up years, and because we are adults now, and we don't need comforting? Or we don't have time for it because we are busy taking care of other people's feelings?
When did we actually stop comforting ourselves?
I can't remember when I stopped but I do know self-defeating thoughts, toxic relationships, addictive behaviours is the opposite of comfort.
Why do we insist in being in that place of discomfort? Why do we want to believe our negative thoughts as true? Why do we want to stay stressed, and anxious and angry?
Why is it so hard for us to seek comfort, to accept comfort?
Don't we deserve to feel safe, cozy, warm, joyful and loved?
I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but INQUIRY, according to my teacher, Baron Baptiste, gives access to discovery and new possibilities and so here we are.
Learning to parent ourselves = adulting
I had a learning moment with my sister a while back. I know she was going through something as she was kinda all over the place. complaining about stuff, flaring up, and refusing my hug - refusing my hug?! (There’s a story here, in the sense that we are not a family of huggers, but we are in the practice of. So I’m not surprised, a little hurt yes, but it’s my story.)
And on that same evening, her son pulled a muscle in his arm, and refused our help to make it better.
They refused comfort for the same reason - because they are in pain.
But with her son, it was easier to comfort a 5 year old by distracting him with TV, and feeding him his favourite snacks.
But for my sister, I could have easily chosen to feel hurt. But I realised that she’s protecting herself. She didn’t feel safe. I really wanted to tell her that she is loved and we did have a chat after. But I wonder now, if she found a way to regulate herself.
I guess thats another word for comforting - self-regulating or self-parenting. Oh, life as an adult is hard!!
I don’t feel safe
I remember an awkward conversation with a friend, who knew my IVF story and I know she wanted to be helpful but saying things like 'You look good, Sophie, but your eyes look sad, are you okay?" IS NOT OKAY!! And we were in a public place for goodness sake.
And there was that time, in the hospital after my pregnancy loss, this nurse tried to comfort me, saying all the things she thinks is right, and in my head I was like - “Go away! Let me heal in my own way”. '
So yeah, I didn't feel safe enough to be comforted. The thought of being vulnerable sent alarms through my entire body.
It’s okay not to be okay
"I am okay."
I realised this statement above, comes up a lot when it comes to comforting and when we feel unsafe.
Who are we trying to comfort? Did comforting ourselves become an afterthought because we think we don't need to feel safe? Or we don't deserve to feel safe?
To be honest, I never thought of safety and comfort in that way.
I have done a lot of inner work of staying true to myself and to STOP saying "I am okay", not because I want others to comfort me; BUT because I wanted to stop lying to myself. I wanted to stop hiding.
Right now, I am discovering that by acknowledging that I'm not okay, gave me space and possibilities to accept comfort, love and joy.
It gave me the courage to set boundaries and not accept comfort when I don't feel safe.
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To my sister (if you reading this) and my nephew, I acknowledge you two for your courage to say NO, and from the bottom of my heart, I hope you find your safe space to feel comforted, to feel safe, cozy, warm, joyful and loved! x
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What brings me comfort
Comfort doesn’t have to look a certain way. I realised now maybe that that I never did stopped comforting myself but I just didn’t realised I did.
When I cry, I can stop crying. After a good cry, sleeping and hugging my bolster comforts me. Even listening to sad music, which will makes me cry even more - is comforting; the urge to let it all out. Having my Hojicha Oat Latte in the mornings gives me comfort, so as warm soups on rainy nights. My favourite comfort food when I’m sick is Milo and whole wheat cracker. I find power in affirmations and journaling too, in comforting myself.
Oh and most importantly, my husband makes me feel safe, cozy, warm, joyful and loved. I find comfort in him. He gives the best hugs.
My tribe, ask yourself this - what brings you comfort in our life, your yoga practice and your fertility journey ? What makes you feel safe, cozy, warm and loved?
All of us have experienced fears, worries, feelings of shame, guilt, anger, numbness, sadness - and these fears and feelings make us feel unsafe. And when you are feeling unsafe, how do you calm yourself down? How do you regulate your emotions? Do you have the tools to comfort yourself because if not you, then who?
Share in the comments what comes up for you.