Before I became a wife, I told myself that I’m never going to be a good wife to anyone. I’m lazy. I’m messy and disorganised. I can’t clean. I can’t cook. I can’t keep house. I’m not worthy.
Before I became a yoga teacher, I told myself that nobody would want to come to my class. Who am I? I’m not flexible. I can’t touch my toes. I can’t do a handstand nor the silly crow. I’m not strong enough. I speak funny. I’m not good enough.
Before I did Baptiste Yoga, the words I tell myself are I can’t; I’m not worthy; I’m not good enough; I’m a bad girl. I’m shameful. I’m not enough.
I do know for a fact that I’ve been lying to myself. But the lies will continue to be my truth for as long as I’m not ready to see the real truth.
All these self-deprecation started from young. When I was 8 years old; these are the words I use to make myself feel better. As an 8-year-old, I guess I didn’t care much about who I am or the consequence of dis-regarding the words I say to myself. I just wanted to be loved and to do things that I love.
And play of course.
My 8 year old favourites were spinning around until I got dizzy; Going to the playground; Running after boys around the school field. Having KFC which was a rare deal. I love singing and imagining that I’m in a pop group with my sisters. I love dancing. I love reading.
And thinking back, it’s sad that I stopped playing. I stopped doing things that made me happy. I started listening to the world. I started believing the voices in my head
The world tells us a lot of stuff about who we should be, how we should behave through social media, news outlets, peers, parents, loved ones etc.
Until recent years - that ideology changed when Baptiste Yoga came into my life, and I started questions and being in Inquiry, which gave me access to the Real me before the world told me who I should be.
The Me - Before the Lies took over - the ME that is whole and complete. The ME that is full of courage and loving kindness.⠀⠀
It’s never too late to remember who you were.
Start asking yourself what’s special about you?
I know this question is hard because when I asked myself this a few weeks ago - it took me a while to hunker down. Because my Lies momentarily took over.
I was afraid. And I knew all I had to do was to stop worrying about what other people (ie stop comparing and drop the concern of looking good) and start Asking myself who do I want to be for others. What is that I can offer? What am I good at?
If you are a Yes, and ready to remember who you were - read this https://www.sophiexsanders.com/blog/2019/what-is-special-about-you and do the journaling exercise that I ask of you in that post.
If creating that inner conversation about YOU is too hard right now - try this fun journaling questions by Mark Manson from his article on Life purpose.
What is true about yourself today that would make your 8-year-old-self cry? Can you identify an area in your life where you lost touch with what you once loved as a child? Something you did for the sheer joy of it that you no longer do? Why? ⠀
What would it look like to revisit that area in your life today?
Start somewhere. Start something.
And remember that your words and your actions can and will shape the lives of the people around you.
if you have nothing kind to say, say nothing.